The desire for love is not new because love offers a connection with another person, but when it takes all your focus it becomes a source of desperation and neediness. There is nothing wrong with wanting love, up to a point. When you become obsessive in your yearning and your mental health is affected, there a serious problem. If you are thinking about love you missed or do not have, you are living in either the past or future, but life happens in the present. To be truly healthy, you must focus on what you have right now and the challenges that are present. If not, you may end up ruminating, or thinking the same thoughts repeatedly. When you ruminate on the need for love, you lose sight of what is available in the present. This can lead to depression and anxiety which does no good. If you learn to have the thought and let it go, you may find a solution because you are not so overtly focused.
There are some people who say their significant other completes them which sounds romantic, but makes it sound as if you are not complete when alone. If you need someone else to complete you, you are missing out on the life you have in the present. If you do love someone and expect them to complete you, it can be too much pressure and leave you behaving as more needy than ever. Needing love too much can be stressful. This stress comes from setting a goal that you have little power to attain because love comes naturally, you cannot just go out and grab it. If all your time and energy is spent focused on this goal, you are taking time from other areas of personal development. Improve yourself instead of waiting on someone to show up and show their love. The more you love yourself, the more likely you are to attract love as well.
Needy means you need lots of attention, support, and affection when discussing love. It can also mean that someone lacks the basic needs for survival which is when needy means someone who needs help. Everyone has needs, but there is a difference in having needs and being needy. We do need love, but being needy about love is when it is all you focus on, neglecting other healthy needs. This type of behavior will drive away potential partners. Common needy behaviors include things like:
- Clinging to someone despite their lack of interest
- Always doing things the other person’s way
- Giving more than you get
- Keeping constant contact
- Pursuing their love even though they rebuff you
- Ignoring hurtful actions
- Being angry if they have plans without you
- Not maintaining personal boundaries
- Denying your needs, but expecting them to meet them
- Constantly looking for signs they do not really love you
This needy type of love often leads to codependency. If you are codependent, you want to feel needed, making you just as needy as your partner. You will both end up in an unbalanced relationship that stunts growth. You will constantly want your partner to prove their love which is very unhealthy. While love is a wonderful thing, loving in a needy fashion will keep you from growing as a person. You can stop being needy which will open you up to a loving, healthy relationship. To do this, focus on yourself and not love. As you improve, love is more likely. Build up your self-esteem through self-improvement and positive self-talk. See a therapist if necessary to help you with this. Then start building your social support system. As you learn to take responsibility for your own happiness, you realize that you do not have to be needy for love. Focus on what you can control to make yourself happy, the rest will fall into place. This takes time and patience with yourself, but it will be worth it in the long run.